A trip back in time

The Botanico is essentially a hotel which would have rated 5* circa 1980 and which has been upgraded piecemeal since then. While everything is - in theory - high quality, nothing today would be regarded as state of the art for a modern 5* hotel, and nor does it really have the charm you would hope for in an older hotel. On the positive side: staff are warm and welcoming; rates for both accommodation and food are sensible, and the wine list (common to all three restaurants) is solid and very sensibly priced. Sound proofing and air con in the bedrooms are excellent; WiFi is free; the spa is simply superb and there is a good gym. So a lot to like. On the negative side however there is rather more. Road noise is a problem, especially in bedrooms and around the main pool. Head for the spa pool instead, so long as you don’t have children, because the hotel doesn’t want children in the spa. Food quality is an issue (the best is the paella in the Spanish restaurant; the worst is the lunches, which you should avoid at all costs, especially the burgers) and service tends to be... well... bring a book- especially in the oriental restaurant. Best advice here is to take the shuttle to the steak restaurant in town owned by the the hotel - which is at least twice as good as anything you will find in the hotel itself. Seriously. I would never mention the quality of the art on the walls of a hotel in a review. After all, corporate art is corporate art - isn’t it? Well - if you think this is right, you haven’t visited the Botanico. Here the quality of the art is gut-wrenchingly, soul-disturbingly awful. I will stop here. I simply don’t want to think any more about it. More importantly- bedrooms are small and bathrooms are smaller. The showers resemble a hospital detox system. No tea/ coffee facilities in the bedrooms, and no conditioner in the bathrooms. WiFi is slow, and non-existent in some parts of the hotel (eg - annoyingly - the gym). The breakfast buffet is comprehensive but mediocre, and served in a soulless conference-like facility. The coffee throughout is execrable, and to add insult to injury the alternative offered at breakfast is a Nescafe (NESCAFÉ IN A 5* HOTEL??) chemical insta-coffee system. Once again, service is sloooow. This is a difficult hotel to love. Guests seems to be on the whole Germans or Brits happy to have got a knock-down deal at a 5* hotel, or honeymooners wondering about wide-eyed realising why this 5* hotel above all others had seemed so affordable when they planned their honeymoon. We wouldn’t come back any time soon. Realistically, the hotel needs to close for a year, undergo a total refurbishment, then relaunch. Perhaps we’ll try again when that happens.